i go through these phases where sometimes i feel like writing everything that happens down (whether in my personal journal or on this blog) so i can process it better. and it just so happens that a lot of the time i end up spilling my guts on the internet. i always think i'm going to regret it, but so far i never have. putting myself out there always seems to pay off, because i've gotten some really sweet, amazing comments from all you fellow bloggers. it's what makes this strange blogosphere feel like a safe place made up of real people dealing with the same issues and pressures of everyday life.

but lately i feel like i've been lacking inspiration or the right words or thoughts or photos and can't figure out how to express myself the way i want to. i have all sorts of drafts written up on body image, accepting your flaws or even my favorite places to eat, but i can't bring myself to finish/publish them. i'm glad that i've documented a few of the things we've been up to recently - especially our trip to newbury park! but whenever i think about documenting the thoughts i've been having lately, i feel unmotivated to do it. it's felt like a chore, so i just haven't done it. i've been in this writing funk and i think a big part of it has to do with being in a sort of life funk.

turns out, knowing that when fall rolls around it doesn't mean the usual back-to-school is kind of a terrifying thing. i feel like my future is coming at me full speed and i need to figure it all out right now. which just leaves me feeling all sorts of frazzled. and makes me not able to prioritize and focus on what actually needs to get done and what can wait. luckily, i'm married to an extremely rational person who always somehow manages to put my worst fears to rest. i'm still working on the whole learning how to express them as they come up thing? i'm really bad about letting things fester. but i always feel better after a good chat to nicolaus, so you'd think i'd learn to always do that as soon as things start to overwhelm me. ha, maybe one day. and to all my blogging friends out there, married or unmarried: i highly recommend a good chat with someone you trust. it will probably help you solve (or at least feel better) about most of your problems. simply saying things aloud and getting an outside perspective can do a world of good.

but for now, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, as nicolaus and i start to figure out our plans and whatnot and just take it a day at a time. i'm starting to feel more excited/less terrified of the future. and regain perspective on what's really important in life.

oh, and as far as the embarrassing selfies go, they actually have two meanings behind them. one, is that just before we left for california, my amazing-hairdresser-mother-in-law did my hair and is helping me go from bleached platinum blonde back to regular blonde. i never documented anything about it and figured i should cause it's my hair and i'm a girl and feels like a big life change that i'm excited about! haha and two, remember my goal to meditate for ten minutes everyday this year? well it hasn't happened every single day, but i have been doing it as often as possible and i feel like it can do a world of good for body image issues. a big part of it is i've been working on appreciating my body and all the amazing things it does for me. and not compare it to other people. and love it for what it is, flaws and all. and somehow posting embarrassing up-close huge selfies of my face makes me feel like i'm accepting what i look like with confidence? i don't know, it just makes sense in my mind. maybe i really need to post one of me looking my worst? ha or not. i'm thinking too hard and probably just shouldn't post any selfies. oh and kudos to anyone who has a) read this entire post. or b) understood any part of this post. haha i love you all and i'm going to stop typing now.