it's no secret that motherhood is glamorized on all forms of social media. and it's no secret that i could be rightfully accused of doing so. but, in my defense, when niels is screaming in my ear in the middle of the night, because he has a bellyache from not pooping for 4 days, or he's spitting up bright red strawberries all over his outfit, just when i've finished clipping him in his carseat, or i'm retrieving fistfuls of my hair from those cute, chubby, busy fingers, i'm not eeexactly thinking about pulling out a camera to document the moment...i'm usually too busy walking/bouncing him until i think my arms are going to fall off, or throwing his clothes in the laundry before the stains set in beyond repair, or pulling my hair back into a sloppy bun and out of his reach.

motherhood is messy. it's sticky, smelly and exhausting. but when that little babe smiles and giggles and coos at me, i feel like my heart is going to burst into a million pieces of happiness. everything else melts away and i just want to squeeze and smooch that little large bundle of joy. and eat his cheeks (cute aggression is a real struggle).
part of me is heartbroken that he's getting so big and won't ever be a tiny, little newborn ever again. and every now and then, it hits me that one day he'll be too big for me to pick up and hold, and i shed a tear or two over it...buuut another, bigger part of me, loves seeing him learn and grow. more than i ever realized i would! he amazes me every day and i looooove seeing his little personality really come out as he's learning new tricks/how to express himself.
a quote i once heard from johnny depp years ago, that has always stuck with me is: "it's all kinds of these profound things crashing on you when your child arrives into the world. it's like you've met your reason to live." before i became a mother, i speculated a lot on what it would be like, and i feel like these words about sum it's like you've met your reason to live. motherhood is the hardest/most complicated thing i've ever done, but easily the most rewarding. and it's come more naturally to me than anything i've ever tried before. i know it sounds all sorts of cheesy, but i feel like i've discovered my purpose in life. and that doesn't mean i don't constantly fret over if i'm doing it right, but i know fretting over raising nielsy is the best way i could spend my time. and i'm extremely grateful that i have a spouse who's much less paranoid than i am, to bounce worries and ideas off of.
anyways, these ramblings were sparked by celebrating my first official mother's day this weekend. and thinking of all the women in my life who have been role models to me. my own mama is the most fun, loving, charitable lady i know. she's taught me life is to be enjoyed and that it's okay to march to the beat of your own drum.
basically, i just want to reititerate what marjorie pay hinckley said: "i don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. i want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. i want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children. i want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. i want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. i want the Lord to know i was really here and that i really lived."