Thursday, November 21, 2013

finding your voice.

growing up i was always jealous of people with strong personalities. i was timid around strangers, loud around my friends and even louder around my family. i felt and still feel like some sort of walking contradiction. i don't even know if i'm an introvert or an extrovert. it all depends on the day and place. but i have always envied people who knew exactly who they were and weren't afraid to display that no matter who they were around. i still really admire people who always stay true to themselves, but i've learned that it's okay to change. because in reality, people are always changing (whether for better or worse) and who wants to feel pigeon-holed in a personality simply because that's what people expect from them?

good change is good. but it's still scary. i just need to remember that it means that you're growing. a big part of growing up is figuring out what you like and don't like. people often refer to this as "finding yourself" but i'm starting to think that's not possible. as soon as i think i've found myself i throw myself a curveball. but i'm learning that type of uncertainty is okay and to not be afraid of it. because then i might miss out on something amazing.

for instance, never in my life did i planning on getting married when i was 20. that is, until i turned 19, met a boy, fell madly in love and knew i wanted to spend forever by his side. all of a sudden i thought getting married at 20 was acceptable. more than acceptable - it felt perfect. luckily, i followed my gut and made that decision, swallowed my pride and did what i had before mocked. and i'm so glad i did. not the mocking part - i still feel bad about that...but the whole marriage thing. it's made me so happy and made me grow and learn so much.

i guess what i'm getting at is that it's important to evaluate your decisions. are you doing something because someone expects you to? because you've always expected yourself to? or because you really, honestly, truly want to? 

i think once you take the time for that sort of reflection is when you start to figure things out for yourself. and that's how you gain confidence in yourself and your decisions. and you slowly stop the constant comparisons to other people's lives. when i catch myself thinking i wish i was as funny or mysterious or coy or whimsical as that person i try to remind myself that i should focus less on trying to be like them. and more on trying to do what makes me happy and feel comfortable. anyways, if you had to trade lives with them that just means you'd have to take on a whole new set of trials and leave all of your blessings behind. and i don't know about you, but i'm kinda attached to my blessings. even my trials. they've taught me some gooood lessons. 

a quote i saw on instagram this week may just be the perfect way to wrap up all these jumbled thoughts: "live the story that no one else can live. live the story of your own unique life."


  1. I like this post! I honestly feel like I change depending on the situation too. We're still young. It can be hard figuring out what we like, don't like, who we are. We should be proud of who we are so far, and we will figure out more of who we are, as life goes along.

  2. great quote, thanks for sharing! you look lovely in this pics, enjoy your weekend ;)

  3. i couldn't agree more. i love this. I FEEL YOU. haha love you chick.

  4. i love this! i think we have very similar personalities. i have just recently really had to put this whole idea into play. i am 20, so when the whole age change on missionaries happened, i got completely swept up in the storm. to the point where i had a call, AND had accepted it. i just barely came out and told everyone i had decided not to go. it just didn't feel right, and i am so happy i went with my gut.

  5. This post is so beautiful in its honesty and authenticity. I agree with the quote you mentioned and can totally relate to you about changing personalities depending on the people surrounding you. I'm very Cancer in that sense. Around strangers, I'm extremely in my shell, but if I know you, I can't shut up lol especially if I love you, it increases to a fever pitch haha. But I think that is a personality. I just think it's the uniqueness of being you. Not everyone gets to see every piece of you all at once, it's saved for the best people, the most special people in your world, but you never stop being you. I like what you said about deciding to follow your gut about being married, I've been learning to follow my gut more as time has moved on. This year has been so teaching of that lesson and I've been loving it. I'm loving it now too. It feels like a relief to just follow my gut and forget about rules and plans and to sometimes just be. As you said, I'm learning to start figuring things out for myself :) Beautiful post madame

  6. such a great post. adore that quote at the end! xoxo

    the well-traveled wife ♥

  7. Reading this it felt like you were talking directly to me. I'm getting to that point where I have no idea where I'll be next year, and trying to figure out what path to take is hard. Thanks for sharing this.

    a clover & a bee

  8. I agree with every part of this!

    and I also agree about the getting married part. never thought I would be one of those. but now that we are, it's kind of nice to move on and say, "alright, now what? I'm down for anything?"

    also, TMI. but sometimes when I feel timid and don't look older than 16 (I don't, ever), I say to myself, "becca, you can go to the store and buy condoms and beer. don't let anyone talk down to you".