growing up i was always jealous of people with strong personalities. i was timid around strangers, loud around my friends and even louder around my family. i felt and still feel like some sort of walking contradiction. i don't even know if i'm an introvert or an extrovert. it all depends on the day and place. but i have always envied people who knew exactly who they were and weren't afraid to display that no matter who they were around. i still really admire people who always stay true to themselves, but i've learned that it's okay to change. because in reality, people are always changing (whether for better or worse) and who wants to feel pigeon-holed in a personality simply because that's what people expect from them?

good change is good. but it's still scary. i just need to remember that it means that you're growing. a big part of growing up is figuring out what you like and don't like. people often refer to this as "finding yourself" but i'm starting to think that's not possible. as soon as i think i've found myself i throw myself a curveball. but i'm learning that type of uncertainty is okay and to not be afraid of it. because then i might miss out on something amazing.

for instance, never in my life did i planning on getting married when i was 20. that is, until i turned 19, met a boy, fell madly in love and knew i wanted to spend forever by his side. all of a sudden i thought getting married at 20 was acceptable. more than acceptable - it felt perfect. luckily, i followed my gut and made that decision, swallowed my pride and did what i had before mocked. and i'm so glad i did. not the mocking part - i still feel bad about that...but the whole marriage thing. it's made me so happy and made me grow and learn so much.

i guess what i'm getting at is that it's important to evaluate your decisions. are you doing something because someone expects you to? because you've always expected yourself to? or because you really, honestly, truly want to? 

i think once you take the time for that sort of reflection is when you start to figure things out for yourself. and that's how you gain confidence in yourself and your decisions. and you slowly stop the constant comparisons to other people's lives. when i catch myself thinking i wish i was as funny or mysterious or coy or whimsical as that person i try to remind myself that i should focus less on trying to be like them. and more on trying to do what makes me happy and feel comfortable. anyways, if you had to trade lives with them that just means you'd have to take on a whole new set of trials and leave all of your blessings behind. and i don't know about you, but i'm kinda attached to my blessings. even my trials. they've taught me some gooood lessons. 

a quote i saw on instagram this week may just be the perfect way to wrap up all these jumbled thoughts: "live the story that no one else can live. live the story of your own unique life."